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Twelve Rules for Life (with apologies to Jordan B. Peterson)

  1. Never let people inhale the fumes when you’re recharging the battery of your electric vehicle. It could act like unintended conversion therapy and stop them being gay.
  2. Unless you want to be responsible for countless suicides, agree with transgender activists.
  3. Rest assured, your postman is safe and effective. Don’t let him feel inferior to nurses. Tell him he too is unbelievably brave and impressive.
  4. Remember that it isn’t necessarily a good idea to take the shortest route from A to B. Because not everybody sees this, some roads have had to be blocked off.
  5. Never forget that the LGBT+ community is a community. It gets round a camp fire every Tuesday night to affirm its unanimity on such questions as whether men posing as women should be allowed in women’s changing rooms.
  6. If you don’t have time to protest about every element in the periodic table, concentrate on carbon. We are a carbon-based life form, so carbon is our natural enemy. Feeling ambivalent about lithium is quite normal. It makes our mobile phones work but must be dug out of the ground by children. Use an app to monitor the extent of your carbon footprint. It should be the same size as your foot.
  7. Don’t forget that you produce emissions just by breathing. Try not to be too reckless when indulging in this activity.
  8. If there is something you really don’t like, such as impoliteness, glue yourself to the road with other “Just Stop Impoliteness” people. Or, if anyone is rude, throw a can of soup over them.
  9. Next time you meet a black person, ask them whether there is anything they require. If there is, give it to them. If not, give them something a little smaller. Remain on your knees throughout the encounter.
  10. Don’t worry if you’re not sure of the difference between institutional racism, systemic racism and structural racism. Only the experts know. It is enough to be aware that they are all around us, along with misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, anti-semitism, Christianity, and consuming meat and dairy products. To be safe from accusations, be anything but a heterosexual white male with traditional morals and a traditional diet.
  11. Under no circumstances use the N-word. It offends B-word P-word. W-word P-word don’t like it either. If you must be antagonistic, call B-word P C-word P-word. But it’s best not to A-word T-word A-word A-word. B-word C-word.
  12. Your approval of same-sex marriage does not need to be voiced at all times. When a beaming acquaintance tells you that his daughter is getting married, don’t say: “Congratulations! To a man?”
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