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The Magical Dirt

I write this as an homage and follow-up to Tim Murray’s wonderful piece on the magical migrant, and I have titled it the magical dirt.

Just as migrants have a special ability to do a 180 when they hop on the plane or walk across Roxham road, surely it’s evident to even the most foolish of fools that there is something magical about the dirt in Canada, the USA and Europe in general. It’s amazing — as soon as you cross the Rio Grande, the Bosphorus, the Mediterranean, the Atlantic, the Pacific, the Russia-EU border, and more, you find yourself on sacred magical land. This land is so magical, that it reportedly can change a person so radically that they become almost completely unrecognizable. Not only that, it has unique properties that are not found anywhere else in the world.

Here are 10 of these magical examples:

1. Carrying capacity no longer matters. Sure, because of climate change, there are not enough resources for people to survive in Africa and the Middle East, but the West can accommodate everyone, even in cold Canada where all the arable land has been used up. There is enough resources and infrastructure, food, enough water, enough arable land to feed the entire world, so entire world, come right in! 100 million in Canada? Please! Let’s try 200 million!

2. Diversity is a strength here. While you make think that diversity has more or less caused or contributed to every single conflict throughout history, and debunked studies show that the more diverse a place is, the more unsafe, unhappy it becomes; forget that. Our magic earth assures that the opposite takes place; people are happier, smarter and kinder. We have successfully created a place where even those with serious health concerns and opposite values and religion can come and prosper.

3. Ethnicity and culture played no role in culture or wealth. Forget the fact that the Indigenous peoples of North America had barely invented the wheel, it’s the magic dirt that led to the West being the most prosperous and successful nations in the world. You could have dumped Africans or Southeast Asians there a few hundred years ago, and the country would have taken the exact same forms and culture with the same high standard of living. It’s the magical dirt that produced the wealth, not the Europeans.

4. Money grows on trees. In the poor world, they don’t have enough money, so it makes sense that we have to heavily subsidize them. In the west however, the magic dirt has produced trees that actually print money, it’s quite amazing really. There is always more money to spend on the topic du jour, more money for migrant housing, more money for LGBT rights in Africa, more money for [insert war-torn country here], more money for special interest activist groups and more! If you too have been wronged in some way, come take advantage of the never-ending flows of money in our golden land.

5. There are no indigenous peoples in Europe. It’s such a wonderful thing. Africans are indigenous to Africa, Asians to Asia, Amerindians to North America, but Europe is simply the homeland to everyone. This is great, because it means there is less racism in Europe. It means that everyone can come to Europe and feel like home, because they are doing exactly what their ancestors did. Vikings were originally black and brown, Eastern Europeans were Asian, Spanish and Portuguese were Muslim, and so on, so once you cross into the West, the magical property is that it belonged and belongs to no one in particular and is thus free for all. It’s yours for you and your 5 kids to come in and make your mark on!

6. Culture is self-propagating. Some countries around the world need a father and mother to pass on their cultural customs to their kids. We don’t need that in the West. There is something in the dirt that will make sure the next generation is passed on the culture and its values. Kids will go to church and learn Irish dancing, as the ideas will just come to them from the dirt. Immigrants won’t want to pass on their old culture and values to their kids, because Western culture oozes out of the ground, preserving the original culture, while adding a small but necessary contribution from the incoming culture as well.

7. Original sin. We don’t believe in Christianity or notions of atonement, repentance or life everlasting, but the magic dirt is such that only the West is subject to original sin. This is a great thing because it allows only us to atone for the mistakes of our ancestors and try to build a better world. It is believed around the world that their countries and peoples are overall good, and something to celebrate, but we believe that this is a foolish, antiquated and destructive notion. The magic dirt here passes on guilt to the people who live here, helping us to be more empathetic and tolerant people. As a bonus, it somehow keeps our native population numbers down.

8. Religion is not needed. While the rest of the world foolishly relies on religion to find inner peace and help manage the ebbs and flows of life and death, the magic dirt here means that people in the west don’t need it. The dirt provides all the person needs for contentment and existential questions. In fact, we believe that we are nothing more than specks of dirt, and when we die, dirt we will become. Atheism and Scientism are the way here, and our people have much less depression, see much less therapists and take much less anti-depressants as a result.

9. Women are free. The rest of the world places so many rules and responsibilities on women. You have to cook, clean, listen to your husband, birth and raise kids, be faithful and often suppress your own desires for the greater family good. In the West, once you cross those borders, women metaphorically throw off the shackles. The magic dirt allows them to sleep around, have a career, buy microwave dinners, raise cats and find a man who will let you decide everything. And if he doesn’t, you can always threaten divorce and take the kids, the car and the house anyway. This magic dirt of course produces the happiest women on the planet, and therefore the happiest men and families too, because “happy wife, happy life”.

10. Climate change has less of an impact here. Climate change is the single worst problem in the history of the world ever, and has never happened before, because we have too many humans on earth. The effects though are not evenly distributed worldwide. The West is only minimally effected by climate change, because of our wealth,  dominant skin colour and lucky dirt. Outside the boundaries of the West though, countries are ravaged by climate change, with daily hurricanes, landslides, floods, droughts and sea level rise. Many countries will cease to exist because of sea level rise, or be turned to deserts, and definitely not due to their own mismanagement. The West with its magic dirt is the only safe haven for people to escape the impacts of climate change.

As you can see, the West is a special place. And it’s all uniform too, there is nothing particularly different between an Estonian and a Spaniard, a Canadian and a Hungarian.  All are extremely fortunate to live on the magic dirt that has produced the greatest wealth in the history of the world. The West needs to take in all the immigrants worldwide in order to make sure this wealth continues to be generated and that lives are saved. The land of milk and honey will become the land of spoiled milk without them, and we need them as much as they need us. There is nothing special about the Europeans themselves; they have contributed nothing unique to society, they are just products of the magic dirt that would have done the same with anybody who had lived there. If you don’t believe all this and in fact believe that Europeans are themselves special, then you deserve a quick death — on a deserted tropical island watching the sea level rise around you until you drown from climate change.

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