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The Contest To Succeed Peter Mansbridge

Have you not heard the news? July 1st, 2017 will be an historic moment in Canadian history. Yes, that day will mark 150 years of our existence as nation. But more significantly, it will be the day that the anchor of the CBC’s flagship news program, The National, retires. That’s right, the CBC’s $1.4 million per year man, Peter Mansbridge will be retiring that day on a meager $500,000 per year pension. How could Canadian taxpayers be so mean and niggardly? Oops, did I say an n-word? Please except my grovelling apologies. My letter of resignation will be in the mail I promise you.

The question then, is who will take Peter’s place? Who will step in and provide that high standard of objective and trustworthy fake news presentation to which we have grown so accustomed? Who will not only spin the news, but neglect to include what is deservedly newsworthy? Who will be the new face of the CBC — that infallible guide to what is not happening in the world today? Who will speak for the Canada of the 21st century in gender-neutral pronouns and post-modernist jargon, providing music to the ears of indoctrinated millennials? Will it be an undocumented woman of colour? A Women’s Studies professor who hates her father? An immigration lawyer? A gender fluid tranny? In a nation so richly diverse as ours, one can’t envy the CBC in having to make a choice that it is comprehensively ‘inclusive’. How does one satisfy one identity group without alienating the 65 others?

To answer these questions, CBC management has decided to turn to you, the viewing audience, for suggestions. The submission deadline was yesterday, June 25. The nominations are (drum rolls):

Hedy Fry:

Hedy Fry
Liberal MP, Vancouver Centre

Margaret Atwood:

Margaret Atwood
Canada’s Supreme Literary Figure

Buffy Saint-Marie:

Buffy Saint-Marie
The Singer Conscience of Canada

Desmond Cole:

Desmond Cole
Toronto Star journalist

Iqra Khalid:

Iqra Khalid
Liberal MP: Criticism of Islam is Against the Law

Duncan McCue:

Duncan McCue
Native Super Canadian CBC Journalist

Transgender artist Vivek Shraya:

Vivek Shraya
Short Story Writer

A prominent activist in the Indo Canadian LGBT community:

Hedy Fry
Hedy Fry as an LGBT activist

Vancouver City Councillor Kerry Jang:

Kerry Jang

Potential co-anchors Naomi Klein and Avi Lewis:

Naomi Klein and Avi Lewis
“We are White.”

UBC Professor Henry Yu:

Henry Yu
“Canada remains a White Supremacist Nation”

New Canadian:

"New Canadian"

The Friendly Giant:

The Friendly Giant

As you can see, the talent pool is deep and the field is competitive. And remember, the hand-picked CBC panel will have but twelve days to deliberate and make their fateful choice! No matter, the decision is in good hands, as we well know. CBC panels are always faithfully representative of the full spectrum of public opinion in Canada.

It is sad to contemplate, but it is possible that the panel will be deadlocked and a Canadian born White male of privilege might sneak into Mansbridge’s chair. That cannot be allowed to happen. Do you have any contact with Black Lives Matter?

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