Former winner of East Germany’s Miss Universe Contest, now single, is looking for the far-right man. Are you that lucky man? Find out with eHarmony! That’s “e” for ethnic!
Above, bubbly former Stasi informant Anetta Kahane has been charged by Chancellor Merkel’s Minister of Justice Heiko Maas with the task of monitoring Facebook to discover “xenophobic” posts, whose authors will be fined and imprisoned.
We at eHarmony.ca pride ourselves in finding the right match for you. Someone who will understand where you are coming from and what you are thinking and posting.
If you are a single man looking for Ms. Right, or in this case Ms. Left, then Anetta is the gal for you. She is a single, well indoctrinated, with a secure job and a handsome income, and she has multicultural flair, inherited from her father, German-Jewish communist emigré Max Kahane. In other words, she has a lot to bring to the table.
There are many adjectives that would fit this fun-loving lady. Outgoing, upbeat, effervescent, bubbly and buoyant are but a few of them. But it is her trademark Leftist sense of humour that she is most noted for. In turn, she likes a good laugh too, except that if your one-liners are judged to be Islamophobic, xenophobic or racist, the joke will be on you, Herr Brownshirt.
Suffice to say that Anetta can be the life of the party, especially if that party is like the DDR’s Socialist Unity Party (SED) or lately, the CDU (same difference).
As full disclosure is one of the conditions that eHarmony requires of its clients, whether they be men seeking women or women seeking men, we must point out that like all human beings, Frau Kahane does on occasion show her warts. But let’s be realistic, Ms. Right can never be Ms. Perfect. Not in this world. And besides, you are not getting any younger, are you? Beggars can’t be choosers, can they now? Adjust your standards, man.
The jealous type, Anetta will confess that she is somewhat of a stalker. Just out of habit, she will monitor her man, track his movements and report his comments to her superiors. It all goes to show that a leopard can’t change its spots.
If anything, Anetta is first and foremost a career woman, and pleasing her superiors is just as important as pleasing you. Look, this is 2016 and you can’t expect a woman to forfeit career satisfaction or upward mobility and build a life just around you, can you?
Well, whatever her faults may be, you can count on one thing. Anetta is consistent. She doesn’t have those ups and downs that many women have. She is the same woman now that she was then, before 1989. Young at heart. The only difference is that back then, Anetta liked walls. But now she wants all the walls to come down. Just like her boss Angela. Or her soul mate, Hillary.
Bottom line: don’t despair, young man. You will not have to live out your days as a bachelor, or a widower if that is your present status. The opportunity is there for the taking. Take heart, for as the saying goes, for every Jack, there is a Jill — or an Anetta. And eHarmony will find her for you. Of course you and your true love will have your differences but as Canadian Prime Minister Justice Trudeau continually reminds us, it is our unbridgeable differences that make us strong. There is “Unity in Diversity”. Repeat that often enough and you will come to believe it. Or else.
So say goodbye to loneliness. You will never have to be alone again, unless you are sent to a prison for a thought crime because a former Stasi informant ratted on you. All you have to do is keep your mouth shut. If you grew up in the DDR, that should be second nature to you anyway, right? And if you are not yet ready to do that, we can always send you to training camp in Sweden for conditioning. If they can’t find a spot for you, Canada will do. By the way, you just have to see Canada’s model “re-education” camp, adorned with a sign over the entrance gate that reads “Diversity will set you free”. See, you feel “vibrant” already, don’t you? Admit it.
If you are interested, we can connect you to Anette, or send screen shots of your postings on Twitter in care of her address, by way of an introduction. If you need an escort, we can arrange that too, and remand you to her custody in the basement of the Berlin-Hohenschönhausen, once renowned for its gracious hospitality.
Naturally, like anyone who is suddenly confronted by the woman of his dreams, you can expect to be a little stage-struck at first. Rendered speechless in fact — if fines and imprisonment haven’t already done the trick. But don’t worry, if the cat has got your tongue, Anetta will make you talk. She is that kind of woman. Charm is her middle name.
Hope to hear from you soon!
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